


“weakness,” he says. “weakness.”

by falterth



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, What if Naruto’s Shadow Clones were afraid of being dispelled?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 00:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14484231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falterth/pseuds/falterth
Summary: Naruto had formed the words, and an answer he had received. But weakness, the word that feels like thin blood in his mouth, the word that wobbles under its own weight, can be applied to many situations.





	“weakness,” he says. “weakness.”

There is soft, velvety noise in his ears (that is his voice) and there are quiet hands grabbing at his jumpsuit.

“Please,” someone sobs. It is muffled. And it is almost beautiful, in an ugly, twisted sort of way. It’s him. It’s his voice and Naruto _hates hates hates_ that these sounds scoop holes in his chest. Holes, and all his strength pours out of them. He gives in, like he has done so many times before and will do so many times again, and cradles the clone in his arms, and presses a kiss onto his forehead, and then—

“Sorry, I—”

Smoke fills in what the words carved out, and thick, foggy mortal terror tries to fill up a place that is already bursting at the seams. It hurts.

It _hurts._

Naruto scrubs at his eyes with one hand, and turns a kunai over in the other. Absently. Idly. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, he thinks.

The quiet of the early hours drips into his ears like warm honey. He tries not to think, because thinking leads to thinking _about,_ and Naruto has had enough of that for a lifetime, or three, or seventy-four.

 

* * *

 

Kakashi-sensei stares at him, eye curved up into a hideous not-smile. Tells him to do things. Things Naruto doesn’t want to do. Things like putting his hands into the seals for the jutsu that has been killing him for as long as he’s been using it.

But Kakashi-sensei is, well, _sensei._ So Naruto sighs, quietly, resignedly, and forms the hand seals.

And sees the fear in the shadow clone’s eyes.

And sends it away under a henge to do its mission.

And, at the end of fifteen minutes, feels the spike of fear when he tells the—when he tells _himself, himself damnit that clone is just as much me as I am_ that he is about to die.

And kills the Naruto that begged for its—for _his_ life.

Then he has the gall to laugh and smile with his teammates after the mission is complete and they are heading back to the village. The gall to stay alive even after they have died over and over again. And he does not dwell (or so he tells himself).

 

* * *

  

He cries. He is the other boy, the one who appears out of smoke and sadness and dread, the one in the orange jumpsuit, and he cries.

Naruto cries. Cries because it’s heartbreaking, and because he knows all the reasons why he cannot let the—the other boy live.

(He has tried to rationalize it.

One: the shadow clones are chakra. They are not people. They do not feel. They are flesh and blood but they are not human because where a soul should be there is nothing. There is no reason to cry.

Two: even now, the memories he receives can overwhelm him. What if he lets a clone live and it dispels after two years? Three? What will happen, he asks himself. What will happen? There is no reason to cry.)

“Please,” he begs.

Naruto listens anyway. Listens even though he will die in the end, they all die in the end, so why should Naruto care? Why _does_ Naruto care?

(“Weakness,” he says. “Weakness.”

Naruto thinks about that one for days.

“Why are you afraid?” Naruto had asked him. “You are me. I am you. Why . . . ” Naruto gestures toward the fear that is falling like snow all around them. “Why all this?”

Weakness. Weakness.

Weakness, he had said. Weakness.

Naruto had formed the words, and an answer he had received. But weakness, the word that feels like thin blood in his mouth, the word that wobbles under its own weight, can be applied to many situations.

Naruto keeps performing the jutsu.

He is weak.)

The other boy is gone. Smoke clouds fill up the room, and then they are gone and Naruto swallows thickly and climbs into his creaky bed.

He is weak, and tomorrow he will be weak again.


End file.
